Being a Father (PDF, 279kb)
 
Being a father is your most important job
Bringing up children is both rewarding and challenging
First time fathers
Time together
Fathers & daughters
Role Models
Protective Fathers 
Fathers & sons
Make time for yourself
Separation & divorce
Contact visits
Remember
For more information 

Being a father is your most important job

There are many different kinds of fathers. You may be in a traditional, nuclear family, a stepfamily, have full time care as a sole parent or have your children with you on a regular basis.

In the past fathers were rarely involved in the day to day parenting of their children. They were usually the authority figure of the family, setting the rules and applying discipline. Mothers often had the role of the caring parent.

The role fathers play in bringing up their children has changed in recent years. Fathers are now being recognised as carers, role models for their children and part of the parenting team.

With more women in the paid workforce than ever before, fathers are becoming involved in day to day family life and caring for their children.

Bringing up children is both rewarding and challenging

Parents often talk about the joys of watching their children grow up but parenting is not always easy. As parents, we must make difficult decisions about how to help our children grow and develop.

Being part of a parenting team means that you and your partner share the decisions and responsibilities for bringing up the children.

Deciding together how you care for your children includes planning routines, school and leisure activities. It is also about deciding how you, as a parent, will encourage good behaviour and discourage unacceptable behaviour.

Balancing your responsibilities is very important. As a father you don’t want to feel that you are the only one responsible for disciplining the children, or that you are left out of the whole process altogether.

It is a good idea to set aside some time to talk with your partner about the following topics:

• How will we get everyone involved to celebrate when one of the children has achieved something special?
  Why not go to the movies or the arcade together to celebrate a good report?
  
• What will we do to help the children develop?
  You may decide to go swimming on weekends with the children and your partner will take them to after school sports. This way, both of you can be involved in their leisure and achievements.
  
• What sort of discipline will we use?
  Positive discipline works best, and many tips and ideas are detailed in the Living with... series of magazines, available free of charge. See for more information.

First time fathers

Along with the joy of having a new baby parents also have doubts about themselves. How will we cope? What will it be like? Will we be good parents?

As a new father your regular routines are disrupted. Day to day life changes to respond to the needs of your baby. This also means your relationship with your partner will change. There will be many times of joy with your new baby but you will find that you have less time to spend with each other.

Some new fathers even feel left out or less appreciated than before the baby was born. With feeding and caring for the baby taking a large part of their time, new mothers understandably often have less time and energy to devote to their partner.

Fathers need to understand the reason for this. Giving your support and attention and sharing the care of the baby will help make things easier. It is also a good way to get to know your child and learn about being a father.

Time together

Sometimes it may feel as if you are left out as a father—mothers still seem to be the focus of most help and support when it comes to bringing up children. If you want to be more involved in the lives of your children, here are some ideas:

If you work outside the home during the day:

• Plan to spend time with your children when you get home from work. Help them with their homework, talk with them about their day or describe what you have been doing.
  
• If you are arriving home at bathtime or bedtime your children will be winding down. Choose calm activities such as reading a book together, telling a story or looking at their work. Save the games for during the day.

If you care for your children during the day:

• Make time to go to a playgroup with your children. These groups used to be attended by mothers only but that has now changed. More and more fathers are joining playgroups with their young children.
  
• Playgroups give young children the chance to mix and play with other children. They also give you the opportunity to talk about your children and discuss ideas with parents who have children of similar ages.

Fathers and daughters

As your daughter grows from child to teenager your relationship with her changes. You will always be important to her and she will keep needing your love and care. How you express this love will change as she grows up.

She may no longer be comfortable with hugs and cuddles she enjoyed so much as a child. It is important to respect this as well as your daughter’s increasing need for privacy. Acting in a caring way, showing interest in what she does and using affectionate words and tone of voice still show that you love her.

Role models

For children, parents are the most important role models. They watch how you act and copy you in their play and when interacting with their friends. Your daughter is learning about male–female relationships by watching the way you act.

It is important she sees you acting in a caring and respectful way with your partner. She will need plenty of examples of good communication to learn about positive male–female relationships.

Protective fathers

Most fathers are anxious and protective when their daughter begins dating. It is normal for her to become interested in boys and develop close relationships as she grows up to be a young adult. She needs your support rather than heavy vetting of boyfriends.

Try to allow your daughter to make her own decisions about boyfriends and be ready to listen to her when she needs someone to talk to.

Fathers and sons

Your son is observing you closely and copying your behaviour in day to day activities. That is how he learns about being a man, male–female relationships, friendships and his role in society. It is important to think about what you would like him to learn.

Society has changed in many ways since you were a boy and your son needs to see that men are now playing their part in caring and nurturing as well as more traditional responsibilities.

Make time for yourself

Day to day parenting is a tiring and demanding job. You may feel there is never a quiet moment to catch your breath—children need to be taken to and picked up from school and other activities, they need help with homework or would like you to play with them. Then there is the shopping to do and dinner to cook and the washing to hang out... It never really ends.

All of this is part of a parent’s daily tasks but it is very important that you also make time for yourself. Ask relatives or friends to babysit so you and your partner can go out or sleep in. With children you have less time to devote to one another but make sure you don’t forget to spend some time together.

Your own emotional, physical and health needs are important. Meeting with other parents will give you a chance to share experiences but it is good to remember that you have other roles as well as being a parent to your children. Try to make the opportunity to have a coffee or lunch out or take up a sport or fitness activity.

Caring for yourself, spending special time with your partner and enjoying the company of friends will strengthen your relationship with your partner and help you be the best father you can be for your children.

Seperation and divorce

If you are going through a separation or divorce you probably wonder how this will affect the children and how you can help them through this difficult time.

The most important things you can do as a father are:

• Let your children know that the separation is not their fault.
  Often children blame themselves for the fact that their parents are breaking up. It is very important that they understand it is an issue between your partner and yourself and nothing they have done has caused the separation.
  
• Make sure they know that you love them and will keep loving them despite the separation and the changes it will bring to the family. Explain that you will organise to see them regularly if they do not live with you and make sure you follow through with that promise.

Contact visits

If the children don’t usually live with you but visit you regularly, it may be helpful to consider the following issues when planning your next contact visit:

• Some non residential parents feel they must make up for the breakdown of the family by giving presents and money to their children. This can sometimes lead to accusations about bribing the children and undermining the children’s new relationship with the step parent.
  
• Sometimes children feel bored when they visit—their friends are not around, they don’t have their usual toys or books and don’t really feel at home. You may fear you are losing their affection and try to make up for it with expensive outings and presents.

There are some things you can do to make contact visits with your children more successful: 

• Help your children feel more at home by organising their own place to sleep and space where they can keep books, toys and other possessions in your home.
  
• Plan activities for the contact visits. These don’t need to be extravagant. Footy in the park, swimming or playing a board game together are good ideas. What children need is your time, company and attention to know they are still important people in your life.
  
• Find a balance between outside activities and time at home.
  Involve the children in routine activities, give them responsibilities in your home so they feel they are part of your household and not visitors.
  
• Although it may be tempting try to avoid asking your children about their other home and their new step parent if they don’t talk about it spontaneously. Some children feel torn between the two households and questioning does not help them settle into the new situation.

Remember

• When fathers are involved in the day to day care of their babies it builds special bonds which are important for children and fathers.
  
• Even if you don’t see your children a lot, you can still build happy memories together.
  
• While children still have different experiences with their fathers than with their mothers, the important thing is to be loved by caring adults in their lives.
  
• How you act when you are with your children teaches them how to act when they grow up.
  
• Children, as they get older, need to know that you love them even if they choose different ways to do things.
  
• Share your ideas about parenting with the children’s mother if possible. Listen to hers.

For more information

Living with Babies, Living with Toddlers, Living with Children, Living with Teenagers and Living with Stepfamilies are available free of charge from parenting information centres or by telephoning the Parenting Line on
(08) 9272 1466 or 1800 654 432 (freecall STD).

The videos Living with Babies, Living with Toddlers, Living with Children, Living with Teenagers and Living with Stepfamilies can be borrowed by calling the Parenting Line and from all public libraries.